Bullies act out of their own pain, insecurity, and need for control. Their behavior reflects their inner struggles—not your worth.
By Sergio Toledo
Editor-in-Chief, Heed to Heal
Introduction
Being bullied can make a person question everything about themselves. When someone is constantly picked on, laughed at, or treated badly, it’s easy to start believing that something must be wrong with them. But the truth is very different. Most of the time, bullying says far more about the bully than the person being targeted.
People who hurt others often do it because they are dealing with their own pain, insecurity, or a need to feel powerful. They might not admit it, and they may not even fully understand why they act the way they do, but cruelty doesn’t grow in a healthy place. It comes from something inside them that is unsettled.
Understanding this truth doesn’t make bullying okay, but it can ease some of the heavy self-blame that many victims carry. What someone says or does to hurt you isn’t proof of your flaws. It’s a reflection of what’s happening inside them.
Insecurity Behind Cruelty
Many bullies target others because they feel small inside. Their behavior is often a way to distract from their own insecurities or to create the illusion of strength. When someone puts others down, they temporarily feel bigger, more powerful, or more in control. It’s a way to hide their own fears and weaknesses.
This kind of behavior often happens when a person doesn’t know how to deal with what they’re feeling. Instead of facing their pain, they project it outward. By making someone else feel small, they silence their own discomfort for a little while. Unfortunately, that silence comes at the expense of someone else’s peace.
Recognizing this can help shift how the situation feels. Instead of believing their words define you, you begin to see that they are revealing their own wounds. Their cruelty isn’t truth. It’s a mask.
Pain That Gets Passed Along
Not every bully is insecure in the same way, but many carry unspoken pain. Sometimes they’ve experienced hurt themselves—at home, at school, or from others. Pain that isn’t healed has a way of spilling out, and for some people, that means lashing out at others. It doesn’t excuse what they do, but it does help explain why cruelty often has roots that go deeper than it seems.
People who feel powerless in their own lives may look for places where they can hold power over someone else. They might choose targets who seem different or quiet, or simply people they believe won’t fight back. This is about control, not truth.
When you understand that their behavior grows out of their own pain, it becomes clearer that you are not the problem. Their actions are their responsibility, and their pain is theirs to face—not yours to carry.
It’s Not a Reflection of Your Worth
Being bullied can leave lasting emotional marks. Even long after the experience ends, the words can echo in your mind, making you question your value. But those words don’t hold truth. They are born from someone else’s fear, anger, or insecurity—not your identity.
The way a bully treats you is a reflection of what’s going on inside them. It doesn’t define who you are, what you’re worth, or what you deserve. You are not weak for feeling hurt, and their behavior does not make you less.
The truth is simple: their cruelty isn’t about you. It’s about them. Remembering this won’t make the pain disappear overnight, but it can help rebuild the sense of safety and self-worth that bullying often tries to take away.
References
- Olweus, Dan. Bullying at School: What We Know and What We Can Do. Blackwell, 1993.
- Rigby, Ken. Bullying in Schools and What to Do About It. ACER Press, 2007.
- Espelage, Dorothy L. “Understanding the Motivations Behind Bullying.” Educational Psychologist, 2014.
Originally published by Heed to Heal, 10.13.2025, under the terms of a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International license.
