If compliments make you uncomfortable or self-conscious, you’re not alone. Learn why it happens and how to shift your mindset toward receiving kindness without shrinking from it.
By Sergio Toledo
Editor-in-Chief, Heed to Heal
Introduction
Someone tells you you did a great job. That you look really good today. That they admire your creativity or kindness. And before the sentence even ends, you feel a flicker of discomfort—like you’ve just been caught off guard, unprepared, maybe even exposed. You wave it off. You downplay it. You say something like, “Oh no, not really,” or “I just got lucky.” And later, you wonder why receiving something nice felt so awkward.
If you’ve ever struggled to accept compliments, you’re far from alone. It’s something many people quietly deal with—especially those with anxiety, low self-worth, or histories of being emotionally invalidated. But learning to receive kindness, especially in the form of praise, is a gentle act of healing.
Why Compliments Feel Uncomfortable
At its core, struggling with compliments often stems from a discomfort with being seen. Compliments shine a small spotlight on you—on something someone else values or notices—and that can feel surprisingly vulnerable.
For some, the issue is rooted in self-esteem. If you don’t believe you’re worthy, a compliment may create internal conflict: If they knew the real me, they wouldn’t say that. This creates what psychologists call cognitive dissonance—a mismatch between how others see you and how you see yourself.¹ Instead of integrating the compliment, you reject it to restore internal consistency.
Others may have grown up in environments where praise was rare, conditional, or even used manipulatively. In those cases, compliments may feel suspicious or unfamiliar. You might assume there’s an agenda behind them, or fear that accepting one will come across as arrogant. There’s often a deep socialization—especially among women and marginalized groups—to be modest, self-effacing, and humble to the point of invisibility.²
The Impact of Always Deflecting Praise
While brushing off compliments might feel safer in the moment, over time it can reinforce negative beliefs about yourself. Each time you deflect a kind word, your brain essentially logs it as evidence that you don’t deserve positive attention.
It can also affect your relationships. People who compliment you usually do so to connect—not to flatter or manipulate. If their attempts are consistently rejected, they may feel shut out or confused, even if your intention was to stay modest. Accepting a compliment with grace doesn’t just affirm you—it honors the person offering it, too.
Gently Relearning How to Receive
You don’t have to start loving praise overnight. But you can practice receiving it differently—without feeling like you have to explain it away. Here are a few small shifts to try when someone says something kind:
- Pause, smile, and say “thank you.” It’s simple, and it doesn’t require you to agree or disagree. Just acknowledgment.
- Let it sink in—even if you don’t believe it. Try repeating it to yourself later. Your nervous system might need time to process it without judgment.
- Notice your inner response. What part of you flinched? Was it embarrassment, disbelief, shame? Getting curious helps soften the reaction.
Therapist and author Tara Brach often encourages practicing “radical acceptance”—not of everything being perfect, but of your right to exist, be seen, and receive love as you are.³ And that includes compliments.
Final Thoughts
Struggling with compliments doesn’t mean you’re broken or ungrateful. It often means you’re still learning to feel safe being visible. Still learning to trust kindness. Still healing from the belief that you have to shrink to be liked.
You don’t have to force yourself to love praise. But you can meet it with less resistance, a little curiosity, and maybe—eventually—a quiet smile that says, “Maybe that’s true.”
References
- Festinger, L. (1957). A Theory of Cognitive Dissonance. Stanford University Press.
- Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Gotham Books.
- Brach, T. (2003). Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha. Bantam.
Originally published by Heed to Heal, 07.07.2025, under the terms of a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International license.
