Why We Seek Validation More than We Realize

**Photo courtesy of Samson Katt via Pexels**

Many of us seek validation more often than we realize. This article explores where that need comes from, how it shows up, and how to build trust within ourselves.

By Sergio Toledo
Editor-in-Chief, Heed to Heal

Introduction

Validation can feel like a small thing, but it often holds a powerful weight. A simple nod, a kind word, or someone saying “I get it” can make the difference between feeling invisible and feeling seen. Many of us look for validation without even noticing we’re doing it. It can show up in subtle ways, like checking how someone reacts to what we say or waiting for a message to feel at ease.

This pull for validation isn’t a weakness. It’s tied to something deeply human: the need to feel safe and valued in our connections. We are wired to seek belonging, and validation often becomes the doorway to that feeling.

Understanding why we seek it so often helps us soften the shame around it. Instead of judging ourselves for needing reassurance, we can begin to explore what those moments are really trying to tell us.

Early Roots of the Need to Be Seen

The desire for validation often begins in childhood. From a young age, we learn that certain behaviors, emotions, or words get noticed while others don’t. A child who receives warmth and understanding when they express themselves learns that their inner world matters. But when those moments are met with silence or criticism, the message can feel quite different.

Even small experiences shape how we view ourselves. When our feelings were acknowledged, we felt secure. When they were dismissed, we learned to search for external signs of approval. Over time, that search can become an almost automatic reflex.

This isn’t about blaming the past but understanding it. The patterns that drive our need for validation often began as ways to feel safe. They once served a purpose. Realizing this can help us approach ourselves with more compassion rather than judgment.

How Validation Shows up in Daily Life

Seeking validation doesn’t always look obvious. It can hide beneath everyday interactions, showing up in small and quiet ways. We may not even realize we’re looking for it until we feel its absence.

Some common forms of validation seeking include:

Replaying conversations and worrying how we were perceived

Looking for reassurance in texts or social media likes

Adjusting our words or behavior to gain approval

Feeling unsettled if someone doesn’t respond the way we hoped

Needing external confirmation to feel confident in our choices

These moments aren’t signs of weakness. They’re signals of deeper emotional needs. Often, they’re pointing to a desire to be accepted without having to prove ourselves. Once we notice these patterns, we can begin to understand what’s driving them.

Reclaiming Inner Ground

The opposite of constantly needing external validation isn’t shutting down that need altogether. It’s learning to balance external reassurance with inner trust. When we begin to validate ourselves, the outside approval still feels good—but it no longer defines our worth.

This begins with awareness. Noticing when we’re reaching outward for reassurance can gently guide us inward. We can ask ourselves what we truly need in that moment: comfort, clarity, or simply the reminder that our feelings matter even when no one else says it.

Over time, this shift builds a different kind of security. We still value connection with others, but our sense of self no longer depends on their reaction. It’s a quiet kind of strength that grows from the inside out.