Feeling attached to someone who caused harm can be confusing and painful. Learn why those bonds form and how to navigate them with compassion.
By Sergio Toledo
Editor-in-Chief, Heed to Heal
Introduction
When people think about abuse, they often picture the pain and fear. What’s talked about less is the confusion that comes afterward. You may have left the person who hurt you, or maybe they left you, but a part of you still feels connected. You might miss them, think about them often, or wonder if things could have been different. It’s a quiet kind of ache that can feel difficult to explain.
This emotional pull doesn’t mean you weren’t hurt. It doesn’t mean you want the abuse to continue. It means your heart is still untangling something complex. In many abusive dynamics, the same person who caused harm also gave small moments of comfort, validation, or tenderness. That mix leaves you with a lot to hold.
If you’re still trying to understand why the attachment hasn’t gone away, this is for you. There is nothing wrong with you. Your feelings make sense, even if the relationship didn’t.
The Push and Pull of Trauma Bonding
One reason these feelings can stay so strong is trauma bonding. This happens when the person hurting you also creates moments of relief. They may use affection or kindness to smooth over cruelty or silence. Your nervous system learns to expect pain, then cling to the small moments when it finally eases.
Over time, the highs and lows form a cycle. You may find yourself craving the good version of them and wondering how to bring that version back. Even when you know the relationship was harmful, your body can still feel drawn to the hope that things might return to how they once were.
After leaving, that cycle doesn’t disappear overnight. Your system still remembers the pattern and might try to recreate it through memory, longing, or imagined closure. This does not mean you want the abuse. It means you are trying to make sense of what happened.
When the Person Wasn’t All Bad
One of the hardest parts of healing is accepting that someone who hurt you may also have made you feel loved. You might remember their humor, their voice, or the way they once comforted you. That makes it harder to let go. You may grieve the version of them you hoped was real.
Abuse isn’t always loud. Sometimes it’s subtle, disguised by charm or moments of connection. This makes your grief more confusing. It may feel like you are mourning something that others say you should be glad to leave behind.
It’s okay to miss the good parts. It’s okay to remember the laughter, even while acknowledging the pain. You don’t have to choose between anger and love. You’re allowed to feel both, because both were part of your experience.
How to Honor Your Inner Signal without Overthinking
Letting go of someone who hurt you is not always clean. It happens in layers. Some days you might feel strong and grounded. Other days you might miss them or wonder if things could have changed. That doesn’t mean you’re going backwards. It means your nervous system and your heart are moving at their own pace.
When those feelings return, try not to judge yourself. Instead, listen with compassion. You can reflect on what you needed that you didn’t receive. You can remember the moments that hurt without erasing the ones that felt good. You can tell yourself the full truth and still choose to move forward.
Missing someone who harmed you is not a sign of weakness. It’s a sign that you formed a bond under difficult circumstances. That bond will loosen, not all at once, but with care and time. You are not failing by feeling what you feel. You are healing.
References
- Carnes, Patrick. The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships. Health Communications, 1997.
- Shah, Shainna Ali. “The Psychology Behind Trauma Bonding.” Psychology Today, 2020.
- Herman, Judith. Trauma and Recovery. Basic Books, 1992.
- Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness. “What Is Trauma Bonding?” 2023.
Originally published by Heed to Heal, 09.09.2025, under the terms of a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International license.
