Photo courtesy of sipa via Pixabay

Still haunted by embarrassing memories from years ago? Here’s why they pop up—and how to respond with compassion instead of cringe.

By Sergio Toledo
Editor-in-Chief, Heed to Heal

Introduction

You could be washing dishes, lying in bed, or walking through the grocery store when suddenly—boom—a memory from ten years ago hits you like a brick. That awkward thing you said at a party, the time you tripped in front of your crush, or the email you sent with a typo in the subject line. Your whole body cringes. You might even mutter, “Ugh, why did I do that?”

If this happens to you more than you’d like to admit, take heart—it’s a tender, very human thing. Your mind is simply trying to make sense of where you’ve been.

The Psychology of Cringe Memories

Our brains are wired for self-evaluation and social awareness. The part of your brain called the medial prefrontal cortex is especially active when you reflect on how you appear to others. That’s why those cringey memories bubble up—they’re part of your mind’s way of monitoring your social standing, even years later.

These moments often feel worse in hindsight because you’ve grown. You see them now through a more mature, emotionally intelligent lens. What once felt small might now seem horrifying—but that’s actually a sign of progress. You’ve evolved, and your brain is measuring the gap between who you were and who you are now.

Why They Pop up Out of Nowhere

Random embarrassing memories are a form of “intrusive thought.” These pop up when your mind has idle space or when you’re feeling anxious, self-critical, or just mentally unfocused.

Sometimes your brain is looking for “unfinished business” to resolve. Other times, it’s just rehearsing ways to avoid future embarrassment. But often, it’s simply a pattern your brain has fallen into—like a broken record of self-consciousness.

You’re Not Alone—and It Wasn’t That Bad

We tend to overestimate how much others remember or care about our mistakes. Psychologists call this the “spotlight effect.” We think everyone noticed our awkward moment, but in reality, most people were too busy thinking about their own.

What feels unforgettable to you is probably just a passing blip in someone else’s memory—if they even noticed it at all.

How to Move through Cringe Gently

You don’t need to “erase” those memories to be at peace. But you can shift how you relate to them:

  • Reframe the moment. Try telling yourself: That was a younger version of me doing the best they could.
  • Name the growth. If it feels cringey now, it means you’ve grown. Celebrate that.
  • Use humor. Laughing at your own awkwardness can be healing. Everyone has “those” stories.
  • Practice presence. When the memory hits, bring your attention back to now. You’re not that person anymore—and even if you were, they still deserved compassion.
  • Talk it out. Sharing your cringe moments with someone you trust can take away their power—and you’ll probably find they have their own.

The past Doesn’t Need to Be Perfect

Your memories don’t have to be flawless for you to be lovable or worthy. The cringe, the awkward, the messy—they’re part of your becoming. Each embarrassing moment is a breadcrumb in your story. If you carry them with softness instead of shame, they stop being burdens—and start being proof that you’re growing, evolving, and living bravely.

So next time a memory ambushes you out of nowhere, take a breath. Smile a little. And remind yourself: you’re not that moment. You’re everything you’ve become since.

References

  • Gilovich, T., Medvec, V. H., & Savitsky, K. (2000). The spotlight effect in social judgment: An egocentric bias in estimates of the salience of one’s own actions. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 211–222.
  • Leary, M. R. (2007). Motivational and emotional aspects of the self. Annual Review of Psychology, 58, 317–344.
  • Rachman, S. (2007). Unwanted intrusive memories. Journal of Behavior Therapy and Experimental Psychiatry, 38(4), 302–310.
  • Kross, E., & Ayduk, Ö. (2011). Making meaning out of negative experiences by self-distancing. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 20(3), 187–191.

Originally published by Heed to Heal, 07.29.2025, under the terms of a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International license.