You might not have been close to your dad growing up. But now, as an adult, you want to build that connection. Here’s why that desire is valid—and how to begin bridging the distance.
By Sergio Toledo
Editor-in-Chief, Heed to Heal
Introduction
Not every child grows up feeling close to their father. Maybe your dad was in the house but emotionally unavailable. Maybe he was quiet, distant, critical, or distracted. Maybe he was your stepdad, and the relationship never fully clicked. Or maybe he just didn’t know how to connect.
Whatever the reason, there was a distance. And as a kid, that distance might have felt normal—or confusing, or painful—but it shaped how safe or seen you felt around him.
Now you’re older. And something inside you wonders: Could things be different now?
Wanting Closeness Later in Life
It’s common to revisit family dynamics as we age. Time gives us perspective. It softens our expectations, helps us understand our parents as humans, and gives us room to rewrite the story.
You may find yourself wishing for a closer relationship with your father—not out of guilt or obligation, but because you’re curious. Because you crave connection. Because part of you still hopes for that bond, even if it didn’t grow naturally in childhood.
That desire doesn’t make you weak or naïve—it makes you human. And it’s not too late to explore it.
What Might Be Getting in the Way
If you feel hesitation about reaching out or deepening the relationship, you’re not alone. These feelings are normal:
- Fear of rejection or awkwardness
- Not knowing what to say or where to start
- Worrying it’s “too late” or that he won’t change
- Resentment over the past
It helps to know that reconnecting isn’t about fixing everything overnight. It’s about building something new—even if it starts out small, or feels a little shaky at first.
How to Start Getting Closer
If you’re ready to try, here are some gentle ways to start connecting:
1. Be Honest About Where You’re At
You don’t have to dive into a deep talk right away. But if the moment feels right, say something like, “I know we haven’t always been close, but I’d like to spend more time with you if you’re open to that.” Vulnerability invites connection.
2. Create New Routines or Rituals
Start with something simple and consistent—a weekly phone call, a monthly coffee, sharing old photos, or watching a show together. Small shared experiences can rebuild familiarity and trust.
3. Don’t Wait for Them to Lead
Many dads—especially from older generations—aren’t always great at emotional outreach. That doesn’t mean they don’t care. If you want closeness, you might need to take the first few steps, even if it feels a little one-sided at first.
4. Accept the Relationship for What It Is (and Isn’t)
Your father may not become the version of “dad” you once longed for. But that doesn’t mean you can’t find value in what you do build together now. A little warmth. Some mutual respect. A better understanding.
5. Let the Past Be Present—But Not in Control
You don’t have to erase or ignore the hurt from the past. But you also don’t have to let it dictate the future. If you feel ready, you can hold space for what happened and still choose to move toward something new.
When Connection Looks Different than You Hoped
Sometimes the relationship doesn’t unfold exactly how you pictured it. Maybe your dad is emotionally reserved, doesn’t open up easily, or just isn’t capable of deep conversation. Maybe he avoids talking about the past. Maybe he keeps things surface-level even when you’re trying to go deeper.
This can feel frustrating or disappointing, especially if you were hoping for something more tender or vulnerable.
But connection doesn’t always have to look the way we imagined. It might show up in:
- A shared laugh over something small
- His way of showing up when it matters, even without words
- Quiet gestures instead of long conversations
- The effort to stay in touch, even if it’s imperfect
Sometimes, the relationship shifts not because he changes dramatically, but because you start to see and accept him as he is—flaws, limits, and all.
Letting go of the “ideal version” of your dad doesn’t mean giving up on closeness. It means creating space for a different kind of relationship—one rooted in realness instead of expectations.
Final Thoughts
Not being close to your dad growing up doesn’t disqualify you from building connection now. Relationships can evolve. People can surprise you. And even if your father never says the perfect thing or opens up the way you hoped, your effort still matters.
Wanting closeness isn’t about rewriting the past—it’s about honoring your present desire to feel more connected, grounded, and whole.
You’re allowed to want that. And it’s never too late to begin.
Originally published by Heed to Heal, 07.03.2025, under the terms of a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International license.
