Radical acceptance is about acknowledging life as it is, not as we wish it to be. Explore what it really means, why it’s uncomfortable, and how it can free you emotionally.
By Sergio Toledo
Editor-in-Chief, Heed to Heal
Introduction
There are moments in life that feel impossible to make peace with—when you’ve lost something, been hurt, made mistakes, or watched things unfold in ways you never wanted. In those moments, the mind often resists. It replays, rewrites, rehashes. It tries to bargain, blame, or fix. But sometimes, healing begins not with doing anything—but with allowing what is.
That’s the foundation of radical acceptance: not approval, not surrender, but a gentle, courageous willingness to stop fighting reality. It sounds simple. But it can be one of the hardest things a person ever learns to do.
What Radical Acceptance Actually Is
The term “radical acceptance” comes from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), developed by psychologist Marsha Linehan. It refers to the skill of fully accepting the facts of a situation with your heart, body, and mind.¹ It doesn’t mean liking something or giving up. It means acknowledging what’s true—even if you hate it, even if it hurts—instead of denying it or clinging to what should have been.
Tara Brach, psychologist and author of Radical Acceptance, describes it this way: “Radical acceptance is the willingness to experience ourselves and our lives as it is.”² She emphasizes that it’s not passive—it’s an act of courage, of opening to the truth without running from it.
Why It Feels So Uncomfortable
Accepting painful things can feel like betrayal—to yourself, to what you hoped for, or to what you deserved. Your mind might tell you: If I accept this, it means it was okay. But radical acceptance doesn’t mean it was okay. It just means you’ve stopped arguing with something you can’t change.
This resistance is natural. Our brains are wired to seek control, and our emotional systems often rebel against anything that feels unjust, unwanted, or overwhelming. That’s why many people stay stuck in loops of replaying the past, ruminating over mistakes, or fighting against feelings like grief or shame.
In a way, radical acceptance requires mourning—not just for the loss, but for the version of life we thought we’d have.
Real-Life Examples
- After a breakup, you might endlessly wonder what went wrong. Radical acceptance is saying: This relationship ended. It hurt. And I can’t change it.
- If you grew up in a dysfunctional household, you may wait for the apology or repair that never comes. Radical acceptance means letting go of that hope and saying: They may never change. That doesn’t mean I deserved how I was treated.
- When facing chronic illness or mental health challenges, radical acceptance helps you shift from “why me?” to “this is what I’m living with—and I can still choose how I move forward.”
What It Can Give You
While difficult, radical acceptance often brings a kind of peace—not the peace of everything being fine, but the peace of no longer resisting what is.
It gives you back energy that would otherwise be spent on rumination, anger, or trying to fix the unfixable. It creates space to feel sadness without collapse, to grieve without bitterness, to move on without pretending it didn’t matter.
In short, radical acceptance allows you to begin healing from where you are, not from where you wish you were.
Practicing Radical Acceptance (Gently)
- Start by noticing when you’re mentally fighting reality. Phrases like “this shouldn’t be happening” or “I can’t believe this” are usually clues.
- Try saying: “This is what’s true, and it’s okay to feel how I feel about it.” Don’t force peace. Just allow recognition.
- Remind yourself: Accepting something doesn’t mean you approve of it. It means you’ve stopped denying its reality.
Over time, your nervous system starts to relax around what once felt unbearable. And from that place, you can move—not with resistance, but with clarity.
Final Thoughts
Radical acceptance isn’t an easy path. But it’s a healing one. It gives you permission to stop resisting what already is, and begin responding to life from a place of compassion and truth. You don’t have to rush into it. You don’t have to feel at peace right away. You just have to be willing to let go—bit by bit—of the belief that it should be different.
Sometimes, peace begins with three quiet words: This is happening.
References:
- Linehan, M. M. (1993). Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder. Guilford Press.
- Brach, T. (2003). Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha. Bantam.
Originally published by Heed to Heal, 07.07.2025, under the terms of a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International license.
